In essence the Head of House (HoH) concept is a biblical concept that the Husband is to be the Head of House and therefore in leadership of his wife and family. In truth there are several different passages of scripture that either support or teach this concept and since I shall probably be looking at these in different posts within this blog I am going to safe tme and space by not listing them all here. Perhaps it might be helpful however if I do just mention one to begin with and so if you are looking for a good place to start tyou could do a lot worse than by starting at Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV.
Of course it could be argued that in this modern day world where egalitarianism, feminism and matriarchal societies seem so common place, it might seem somewhat starnge (if not just a little controversial) for someone to suddenly publish a blog about “Being a Head of House”especially when the primary focus of this blog is about men taking up the role of being the Head of House and thus being in a leadership position within that role.
So why do it?
Is it to upset the egalitarians or feminists among us? No of course not.
Is it done to put men back on top? No not even that!
Is it done to put women in their place? No not at all!
Is it done as a result of a deep seated resentment towards women? Absolutely not.
It is actually done to present what I feel is God’s design for marriage and for the relationship between a husband and wife.
In this blog I intend to be totally open and honest about how I personally view God’s instruction’s on marriage, and about many of the practices that I have heard or read about when it comes to Head of House’s (HoH’s), Submissive Wives, Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD), Loving Domestic Discipline (LDD) and many other things. Through this blog I hope to look at things from both the Husband’s and the Wive’s perpective. Because of this some posts will be aimed at wives, some at husbands and some just general in nature.
Invitation:
I really would like for this blog to be a place where men and women, singles and couples, wives and HoH’s alike can feel free to post comments, ask questions and share their own opinions, viewpoints, needs and the such so please feel free to explore and to participate! I do however ask that no matter what your opinion or viewpoint you always keep your comments respectful.
AND let me be clear, open and honest right from the very start here. My own personal viewpoint is to try and see things from a Godly and Christian perspective. I have no interest in debating God’s word against political correctness or even debating the validity of God’s word itself. I simply believe God’s word to be correct and true so I try to come at all things from that point of view. If you don’t agree that is of course your right but please don’t expect me to debate it with you.
Additionally, I do NOT pretend that what I write is the way that everyone who is in a CDD lifestyle thinks or feels or even that it is how most of them think or feel. It is purely how I feel and think and my reflections on things and I offer them out of love.
So there you have it. Which direction this blog will take is not predetermined other than it is one man’s viewpoint and I hope will be an interesting and loving journey which I invite you to take with me.
Just linked off Devins’ blog. I am interested in reading more from you. Don’t get an HOH view often. I agree with you. Most people do not understand how freeing being submissive to an HOh can be. I do not try to justify or condemn my DD lifestyle most people don’t get it. I think it allows the natural differences between men and women to grow.
Ciao.
I Gal
I Gal is right about not hearing much from the HoH point of view!
Thank you for your blog. It is always good to hear from a man who loves his wife and can understand how great it is when you have a HOH whom you can trust and you know cares for you sacrafically
Hi lovedandspankedwife,
Thanks for your kind comment. I don’t presume to suggest that this blog will have all the answers, just one HoH’s point of view but it is my sincere hope that it will help folk.
God Bless.
Hello. I agree with your beliefs. I think a man should be the HOH and lovinly correct his wife. I think maintenance spankings can be good as well just to keep a female motivated and on the correct path. But what do you do if you are single? I may sound crazy, but I would like to find a chuch or Bible group or something where I could meet with other believers. I would like to find a group with these beliefs that meet once a week or even just once a month. After study time and prayer, I think it would be good for single women like myself to have a time of repentance or a time of bettering themselves. In this time we would receive spankings to help us grow both personally and grow in Christ. I am ok with being single but I do feel I need to submitt. I feel there may be others like myself that could benifit from a group like this. Does anyone know of shuch a group or church? Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to post.
Hi Submissivefemale,
Thanks for posting and I am glad you agree with the concept of the Husband being the Head of House.
In answer to your question I doubt very much if you will find anyone church or Bible group which openly advocates the spanking of adults, females or wives as an acceptable form of discipline. To be totally honest whilst the Husband being the HoH is indeed a biblical teaching the spanking and corporal punishment side of CDD is much more vague and is really down to personal beliefs and convictions rather than a widely accepted practice.
Let’s be honest here, in a society where ‘political correctness’ is fast becoming more important than the logic behind it, a lot of churches and fellowships seem to be more concerned with putting butts on seats and not offending anyone rather than preaching the truth. And so I really don’t foresee you finding a church or Bible Group that will serve your needs.
This having been said, take heart because all is certainly not lost. There are groups and forums that you could join in order to find someone to fulfill your accountability, development and spanking needs.
One such group that I would suggest (and please understand I do not recommend groups that I have no direct personal knowledge of) is ChristianDomesticDiscipline over on yahoo – here is a link for you. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/christiandomesticdiscipline/join
I would also very strongly recommend your checking out Devan’s site http://unadulterateddevin.wordpress.com/ Devan is a wife who is in a CDD relationship and is an excellent person to keep in touch with in this respect.
One of the things that you are going to have to consider before going any further, if you don’t mind me saying so, is the question of where to get your accountability and spankings if there is no church group. Do you consider entering into an accountability relationship with another woman? And certainly some would frown on this saying women have no right to spank women, or do you find a single man who will hold you accountable and who will spank you when needed? And again some will frown on this saying it is only for the marriage relationship.
Personally I understand the need to be held accountable and the benefit of spankings/discipline regardless of marital status providing that it remains a non-sexual relationship at all times. And whilst I have in the past been fulfilled this role and managed to do so with no sexual complications, I would suggest that a lot of men and indeed some women would struggle with this.
Whatever you decide or happens please be assured of my support and my thanks for posting and please do check out the links that I suggest!
God bless.
EXTREMELY CONCERNED about my sister, who has not only become indoctrinated in the HoH belief, but also teaches classes about it? Why am I so worried? I’m a Christian, and I do believe in the GENERAL concept of ALL HUMANS humbling themselves in order to be good examples — one of the ways to do this, some say, is for women to submit to HoH. Personally, I don’t do it, and won’t; I’m as feminist as they come.
HOWEVER, my sister’s husband is abusing — and when I say abusing, it’s not an exaggeration, I’m talking about ABUSING their children and their pets. We’re taking broken bones here.
I want you to seriously consider that, for a small percentage of the human population — nay, statistically speaking, it’s actually a whopping thirty percent of homes where there is domestic violence — this is a recipe for disaster.
How can you justify the sanctioning of potentially 30 percent of your fellow humans to be abused? FIRST, YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST CONSIDER THIS POINT BEFORE I REPLY TO ANYTHING ELSE YOU MIGHT WRITE BACK. Denial of stats, bending truths, justifications, blah, blah, blah — none of these will suffice. You absolutely MUST address this! Because it’s happening in 30% of homes that willingly partake in HoH as a concept. In other words, 30% — perhaps even more — of those in your faith that subscribe to this belief, suffer domestic violence.
Address. Now. Ahem!
Hi Lucy,
Before anything else I want to explain that I have approved your comment for publishing on this blog because I fully and strongly believe that it highlights a very real and very tragic situation that is happening in countless homes and relationships the world over.
I also wanted to be able to assure you that you, your sister, her husband, their children and indeed their pets will be in my prayers and that it is my sincere and heartfelt prayer that the situation that you describe in your comment will stop and that the healing process can begin.
Let me be totally clear here and let there be no misunderstanding here what so ever. I, and indeed this blog will NOT sanction, condone or encourage abuse or abusive relationships and the kind of thing you are talking about has NOTHING to do with true Christian Domestic Discipline regardless of whether or not the husband tries to justify his actions and behavior by hiding it behind that title.
Because of this I do not feel it appropriate to seek to defend Christian Domestic Discipline in respect of what you have said since nothing you have said that happens in their has in my opinion any relationship to Christian Domestic Discipline. I am deeply saddened to learn of your sister’s and indeed her children and pet’s plight and I will be praying.
God bless you and thank you for taking time to share you compassion and concerns.
Thank you for your kind and heartfelt reply. The only thing I’m confused by is the last part, where you wrote, “Because of this I do not feel it appropriate to seek to defend Christian Domestic Discipline in respect of what you have said since nothing you have said that happens in their has in my opinion any relationship to Christian Domestic Discipline.” Please clarify. Thank you again.
Hi Lucy,
Please accept my apologies if the last part of my response to you caused you any confusion or offense, that was not my intention at all.
What I meant by my comment is that what you were describing as happening to your sister, even though she and her husband may claim it or even consider it to be a normal part of Christian Domestic Discipline is NOT normal within Christian Domestic Discipline. Because of this I would not under any circumstances wish for anything that I would say in defense of Christian Domestic Discipline to be misconstrued or misunderstood or seen as an attempt to defend what is happening to your sister. To be totally candid and honest with you I am both shocked and very saddened that such things are happening to your sister and I do not feel that what is happening to her has anything what so ever to do with CDD.
CDD is a lifestyle choice made by consenting Christian adults who believe that the use of loving, safe and sane discipline in their lives is beneficial to them, their faith, and their marriage.
The discipline administered (whilst I accept that not everyone understands or accepts it) is administered by the husband to his wife who desires or appreciates it (or it’s benefits) and is done in such a way that it is not harmful or detrimental to her or to him.
It is NOT and never should be an excuse to abuse, humiliate or harm another or for control or power or ego.
As hard as it this maybe for some to understand (something that I fully appreciate especially in this day and age) it is quite simply a recognition of 1. the husband’s leadership role within a marriage. 2. The need for both husband and wife to submit to that role and 3. The fact that discipline when applied properly can be beneficial.
I fully and sincerely believe that what you described as happening to your sister is totally wrong and completely outside of the remit of CDD as the fundamental basis of CDD is that it be Christian and thus be loving.
Lucy, I sincerely hope this helps clarify what I meant by the last past of my reply to you. Please understand and please know that I do NOT in any way seek to condone, excuse or agree with the kind of things you spoke of in your original comment and that I am praying for your sister and her husband.
God bless you.
Hi I just found your site. I am a 58 year Christian wife married to my husband for 38 years. We have been a traditional marriage for about 37 years of that. I grew up in a home where my my Dad spanked my Mom , it was no secret to us kids though Mom got spanked in private. . We have three grown children, one boy our oldest and two girls. At 58 I don’t get spanked as much any more, I have been spanked only three times this year and I probably deserved these spankings.
When I first got married my husband didn’t spank me at first and I acted up because of this. One day I came home to my husband after being out with some friends until 10 oclock and I found my dad waiting with my husband with a brand new strap. I was given a terrible strapping and did corner time while my Dad talked to my husband. That was how our DD relation started and I think it has been a good thing.
Hi NSVW1951,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for taking time out to comment.
It was great to hear from you and how you feel this is a good thing.
Keep on checking the blog and feel free to comment any time.
Thank you. I would like to mention one other issue which I never knew was an issue until I discovered the internet. This is the issue of whether or not Children should know that their Dad spanks their Mom. To be truthful I was surprised to learn this was an issue. I grew up in a home where we all knew Mom got spanked and this never caused us any special problem. Dad used a old shed most of the time when we got spanked and we all witnessed Mom taking a walk to the shed with Dad and we knew what this meant.
In our own family my being spanked meant a trip to the library and our kids witnessed many trips I made to the library and they knew why I was going there.
But we grew up from toddlers knowing Mom got spanked and so did our three children. Our children are all married now, one of our dauthers even married a minister.
But I learned from internet chat that many DD couples practice wife discipline in secret. I am not judging what others do , but I think if you beleive in CDD then why should it be secret , at least from close family members?
This was the Curse earned by our first parents in the Garden of Eden, Genesis 3:
16 To the woman he said,
“I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”
17 To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat of it,’
“Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.
18 It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”
Please note that this is God’s description of the result of sin coming into the world, NOT His perfect plan and design for us!!
MOREOVER: Galatians 3:13 tells us that Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law.
And we know that in Christ there is neither male nor female.
Please do NOT espouse a curse –that has already been paid for by the Blood of Jesus — as a rule for Christian life!! You are creating a subculture of abusers and mini-Hitlers, and it’s the women and children who have to pay for this sick and sinful arrangement.
Please read Paul’s words in the cultural context they were spoken, not as a rule for the ideal life between two redeemed people. Male or female, Christ is our head, not some guy. Our eyes need to be on Jesus, not on some guy’s sick whims.
I have seen this unhealthy situation over the past 60 years of my life INVARIABLY produce petulant, tyrannical, and hopelessly immature men, because of this very erroneous idea, confusing the curse of sin with God’s ideal plan. God help us….
More horrendously, this erroneous idea, even in its mildest interpretation, has already spewed an epidemic of abuse — Statistics show that a woman is far likelier to die at the hands of her husband or boyfriend than at the hands of a stranger.
Yet Jesus said: By their fruits you shall know them…
You can see this same impulse everywhere in the world where the Gospel has not reached — take a look at how Arabic and African men routinely treat their women. In India wife abuse is a national pastime (ask me how I know….)
Sick and wrong. May God open your eyes before countless more lives are ruined by this terribly misguided, immature and self-serving interpretation of holy Scripture.
You will be in my prayers.
I really enjoyed reading this post, keep on making such exciting articles.
Hi, My husband and I have been married for 12 years, we are christians and have begun following a CDD lifestyle because our marriage was following apart.I have given over the control to my husband and it feels wonderful.I have been spanked a few times when I deserved it and it has made life so much better. We have 3 children aged 4,8 and 10 when they require a spanking(which is of course illegal in this country, but not in the eyes of the Lord)should it be left to the HOH or can I administer the punishment?
Hi Lesly,
Many thanks for writing in and Seasons greetings to you!
You wrote that your “have been married for 12 years, are christians and have begun following a CDD lifestyle because our marriage was following apart.” I am sorry to hear that your marriage was going through difficulties but commend you and your husband for working through it,
You also state that you “have given over the control to my husband and it feels wonderful” and that you “have been spanked a few times when I deserved it and it has made life so much better.” Again I commend you! CDD is not something everyone can enter into but I do believe it is a complete blessing if and when both parties are fully in agreement and fully committed to it.
In respect of your question…”We have 3 children aged 4,8 and 10 when they require a spanking (which is of course illegal in this country, but not in the eyes of the Lord) should it be left to the HOH or can I administer the punishment?” I find myself facing a cpuple of difficulties in formulating my response to you.
So if I may, please let me address my difficulties first.
Firstly I cannot in all good faith encourage you or your husband to do anything illegal and thus cannot encourage you or your husband to employ spanking as a form of disciplne in your parenting.
Firslty, I cannot in all good faith encourage either you or your husband to do anything ilegal. I note and concur with you concerning your comments in regard to what is illegal in your coutry and not ilegal in the eyes of the Lord, and indeed parental spanking whilst politically incorrect is not yet illegal in the country where I live.
Secondly, this blog is not intended to incorporate the subject of parental spanking within it’s remit it is purely a blog concerning CDD. Can and does spanking form a part of a CDD relationship? Yes indeed but, and again let me be very clear here, it is between two consenting adults fully able to process what is going on AND fully willing within that arrangement AND is only a PART of the relationship and should NEVER become the main focus of that arrangement.
(I am of course fully aware that by saying that I have just separated this blog from a great many blogs and groups dealing with CDD and where the spanking seems to be the ‘be all and end all’ but I have to stay true to my own beliefs and convictions in this regard. Spanking is an AID within CDD relationships and should NEVER become the main focus or motivation as the perverts the relationship from a Christ based arrangement to a carnally based arrangement.)
So having made the previous two statements and having clarified the positon of this blog in respect to parental spanking, let me answer your question in this way…
Whilst it IS my personal belief that it is God’s will that the husband be the Head of House it is NOT my personal belief that this in anyway should create or encourage an inferiority on the part of the wife or indeed a superority on the part of the husband. Undertaking the role of Head of House is undertaking SERVANT-Leadership and likewise undertaking the role of submissive wife is undertaking the role of servant wife AND for that matter biblical parenting is in my opinion servant parenting. We serve God. As a husband we serve God through CHrist and in this we serve our wife – God’s chosen adopted daughter. As a wife we serve God through Christ and in this we serve our husband – God’s chosen adopted son.
As parents we serve God through Christ by looking after His chldren and this IS a shared role and a very important roe with huge responsibilties.
As husband’s and as a Head of House we have a huge responsibility to demonstrate and represent God’s love in the way that we serve, love, nurutre, encourage, inspire and discipline our wife. EVERY sigle communication, every single action, every single message should be God given, God led, and God glorifiying. As parents we have the same SHARED responsibility and I will go further. We have indeed an even greater responsibilitie for whilst a wife is mature and experienced and has developed her own relationship and communication with God few chidren have done so to the same degree and are therefore more vulnerable. So our responsibilities as parents are indeed greater.
If you and your husband have decided to incorporate spanking as a part of that parenting then the question as to who should administer it should be asked along side the questions of what message are you giving by.. what discipline is used, when it is used, how it is used and indeed who administers it. These messages not only speak into the child and his or her actions but also his or her worth BUT also, and let us be clear here, the child’s perception of the parent’s worth.
I have communicated with and am aware of many couples where the children are fully aware of the use of CDD in the parent’s marriage and thus that Mom sometimes gets spanked when she makes mistakes or where her actions and behaviour merit it. Indeed it is reportsed that the children seem to fully accept this just as they accept that when they themselve misbehave they get spanked. But I am slso aware of one or two families where only Dad does the spanking or administers the discipline and I have to be honest and tel you that in these families it seems that there have been difficulties experienced by th children when it comes to mom’s authority as the children seem to percieve an inequalities between the parents. I personally find this to be unnhelathy and certainly NOT as God intended.
So my own personal belief and approach is that haven first taken age, modesty, gender etc into consideration, and having great consideration for the messages that are being communicated I see no reason for ONLY the husband/father administering discipline.
Lesley, I am aware that this is a fairly complicated answer but I sincerely hope it helps.
Thank you for your detailed answer to my question, my husband and i appreciate that it was a difficult question for you to answer and will try to follow your advice.My husband is aware that I am contacting you again, he has given his blessing. He is having second thoughts about this lifestyle because he says that he cannot reconcile causing me pain and loving me. He is also struggling because I have gone from an assertive strong female who usually held her own in an argument to being a subservient obedient,dutiful wife believe me this is what I want more than anything. I love that I have given myself to him how can I make him understand that this is better for both of us?
Hi Nvsw.
Many thanks for your comment and taking time to post it. I have to be honest with you and say that I personally agree with you when it comes to the secrecy of this lifestyle within a family – i.e. keeping it from the children.
One argument put forward in this regard is that the children knowing that mom also gets spanked can result in an undermining of her authority. I understand where this is coming from but cannot personally agree with it as my own experience does not suggest this in any way.
As for letting others outside of the family and indeed outside of others who practice this lifestyle know that you practice CDD well the truth is that we do indeed live in a world of political correctness gone crazy and where this just would not be understood. Indeed as can be seen from some of the negative comments that we receive even those within Christ cannot understand it and often resort to name calling and love-less arguments. It is sad but there you go.
Hi Christian woman.
Firstly I would like to thank you for taking time to comment and to put forward a comment containing an opposing argument concerning this lifestyle choice. I would also like to thank you for doing so, in part at least, in a respectful manner. I am very keen that this blog remains open and objective and allows respectful opposing arguments and isn’t just one-sided. In truth it saddens me greatly when folk who are opposed to this lifestyle raise valid points in their comments but in such a disrespectful and love-less way that I cannot approve them.
For the record, name calling and personal attacks only ever serve to weaken an argument not to strengthen it.
So, the above having been said let me try to respond to your comments and to do so efficiently please forgive me if I simply take out some salient points without replicating all of your wording around them.
Point 1. The Curse.
Yes I agree with you that the curse originated with Adam and Eve. I also agree that the curse has been broken and that we who are in Christ are redeemed from the law BUT, and here are the key points for me personally,
a) I cannot in all good conscience agree or even suggest that I (or indeed we) as Christians are no longer tempted by or potentially influenced by sin or indeed that as Christians our sinful natures immediately die on coming to faith. Indeed let me be very definite on this, I find absolutely NO scriptural basis for any argument saying that we no longer have a sinful nature. Indeed are we not called to die to sin?
b) The practice of CDD, certainly in this blog is NOT encouraged, endorsed or accounted as a response to the law or indeed as a result of the law and (again let me be VERY clear here) I would never encourage or endorse or agree with anyone undertaking this lifestyle as legally-based requirement.
c) The quote you gave included Genesis 3:16 which reads “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” I truly believe that if you took time to fully research and understand biblically based CDD or at very least the contents of this blog, you would see that the desire within a CDD relationship as expressed within this blog is NOT for the husband but for God and furthermore that the relationship described within this blog is NOT one of the husband ruling as in the context of the Hebrew word ‘mâshal’ as used in Genesis 3:16 but of the husband being in servant-leadership.
Point 2. ‘And we know that in Christ there is neither male nor female.’
Again I am not sure how you are using this quote other than to say your understanding of it’s meaning or at least it’s relevance to CDD seems different to my understanding of either it’s relevance or of CDD itself. Again true CDD as described in this blog is NOT one of female inferiority vs male superiority but of servant-leadership.
Point 3. ‘A subculture of abusers and mini Hitlers.’
Now what was that I was saying about name calling weakening an argument?
Again, CDD or at least the interpretation of it described in this blog is NOT about male power or inferiority vs superiority.
Do I concede that some folk may choose to misinterpret it that way or to use CDD as a label for justifying sinister and selfish and sinful practices? Yes of course but does that mean that we should not practice what we believe to be a God-based beneficial life-style? NO of course not. It can equally be argued and history has indeed proven that a misguided or misinterpreted faith in God has all too often led to much harm and much sin, do we therefore abolish all faith in God? Of course not. It is an illogical and ridiculous argument.
Point 4. ‘Male or female, Christ is our head, not some guy.’
Umm, can I ask if you read the whole blog or if it is possible that you misread just one part of it? I cannot help but wonder if your arguments are based on actual contextual content or the pain of your past experiences? CDD as described in this blog is Christ centred and places Christ as the head NOT the husband! Perhaps I can suggest you read this post within the blog
Point 6. ‘Statistics show that a woman is far likelier to die at the hands of her husband or boyfriend than at the hands of a stranger.’
I am not sure where you are getting your statistics from exactly and thus cannot really respond to them specifically other than to say that any death is tragic and that it is my understanding that the pertinent statistic is that “women are far more likely to die at the hands of ’someone they know’ than at the hands of a stranger” and not necessarily as you put it just ‘a husband or boyfriend’.
Concluding Points.
At several points within this blog you will see, in part or in-full, either as a stand alone comment or as part of a larger comment, the following statement about my understanding of CDD – That it is for a couple who are adult, mutually consenting, in full agreement with and either practising or considering practising a CDD lifestyle where BOTH the husband and wife are in FULL agreement and are capable of making an intelligent, informed, objective and open and free decision.
It is NOT recommended for anyone who is either a) not an adult, b) incapable of making a freely concluded objective informed and intelligent decision or c) in a relationship where one or other of the partners are NOT in full agreement.
Christian woman, I cannot help but get the feeling from your comments within what you wrote that you yourself have suffered pain and hurt as a result of what I can only assume to be very wrongly based relationships and I pray that you will accept the sincerity and love that I intend when I say how very sorry that this has happened to you.
As you will no doubt see, in many occurrences CDD relationships are not entered into lightly or indeed and the behest or suggestion of the husband and indeed many husbands can be reluctant at first (indeed I have just approved a comment from a lady where this is reported to be the case).
I, and thus this blog, do NOT believe, NOR do I encourage, that this lifestyle choice is the be-all or end-all or indeed the ONLY way for married couples to be and indeed I do not and will not ever encourage physical discipline to form a part of every CDD relationship and furthermore it concerns me that so many folk focus purely on that aspect of it.
In fact discipline is NOT a bad word or a bad thing and indeed discipline is so very much bigger than what many folk immediately jump to focus on. Indeed if we consider the etymology of the word and indeed its link to the word “disciple” I think we will get a better representation of my understanding of the benefits of loving Christ centred CDD.
For me CDD is a discipline or life-style choice which (where both parties are in agreement and convinced of its benefit) can aid marital bliss and indeed can be beneficial in a couple’s relationship with God through Christ. In the same way, I personal read my bible, pray, fellowship, worship, reflect and minister in many ways and with varying regularities. I see them as part of my discipline of being a disciple. I do not presume to suggest that everyone should do exactly the same as me, the same way, the same regularities, etc.
For the record I say again, I will not and cannot encourage or endorse any relationship where one party applies their will over another in a tyrannical or abusive way and in which the other party is left powerless. CDD as I understand it and seek to represent it is NOT about power and supremacy but about love, servant-leadership and the authority of Christ.
God bless you.
Hi Lesley,
Many thanks for getting back to me and for letting me know that your husband is ok about your contacting me. It is something I always ask when corresponding personally with wifes but on this blog it is not as easy to do.
I personally am very encouraged by your husband’s reluctance over the lifestyle and the question of causing pain and loving at the same time. The reason for my being encouraged by this is that to me it shows love, compassion and respect. Three fundamental requirements of servant-leadership. That having been said it is something tha I have often reflected on in the past and all I can offer is that when someone you love gets a splinter you have to remove it and this often requires some pain being experienced.
I think bad behaviour or those things that we are not happy with in ourselves can often be seen in the same way – as a splinter and you are askig his help to remove them from your life and in this you understand that some pain or discomfort is inevitable and in his love for you he is willing to help you in this way. Not all discipline is enjoyable but it should always be beneficial.
Of course it isn’t always essential that the discipline has to be physical, although I accept that many CDD practitioners would differ from me in this regard. I however feel that there is a trap here of focussing too much on the physical when other methods are available and can be as beneficial. Please don’t get me wrong I am by no means against spanking/corporal punishment within a CDD relatinship and have indeed seen and experienced it’s benefits BUT I think we do have to be ver careful and very objecive and Christlike when it comes to what we do.
Which brings me onto yor other point which is that yor husband is “also struggling because I have gone from an assertive strong female who usually held her own in an argument to being a subservient obedient,dutiful wife believe me this is what I want more than anything.” I think I fully undersand where you are coming from here and indeed where he is coming from too and I would like to address something that has often perplexed me.
This is the all too common belief that being a “subservient obedient,dutiful wife” prohibits a wife from still being an assertive, strong female. Indeed much is made of the “power exchange” aspect of CDD relationships. Well I have a news flash for all those CDD practitioners who see it as a power exchange. Christ is the only one with legitimate ultimate power and just as as Christians we do not see coming to faith or living in faith as being a power exchange neither should we see CDD as a power exchange. Christianity is the acceptance of Christ’s rightful place and authority in our life and CDD should also be an acceptance of Christ’s rightful place and indeed His will for that authority.
I truly believe that it is possible to continue being a strong ascertive wife whilst being submissive, subservient, obedient and dutiful and for me it is more about the tone and manner in which a wife puts forward her point of view as it is about WHETHER she puts forward her point of view. Equally being the Head of House does not exclude you from inviting, listening to, or valuing a wife’s point of view indeed it should encourage it.
Which I guess simply leaves your ultimate question of “I love that I have given myself to him how can I make him understand that this is better for both of us?”
I think my best advice is that for me the truth is that in giving yourself to your husband you are giving yourself more fully to Christ as that is or should be the ultimate goal in CDD rerlationships. Understand, value and respect his reluctance for the gift of love that it is and indeed the demonstration of who he is in Christ. Show him this response and with it my invitation for him top of course correspond with me if that would help.
Be very careful of seeming to be or actually seeking out physical discipline other than where it is truly beneficial to your spiritual growth and desires and be very cautious of your carnal desires in this regard. Suggest perhaps a trial period of living a CDD relationship where both of you are fully committed to it. Perhaps 3 months or so with a detailed, honest, objective AND open reveiw and discussion as to how, whether or indeed if it has benefitted you both and your relationship and your combined and individual faith.
I hope that this helps Lesley, please know that I am praying for you both and indeed for God’s will in Your life.
God bless you and Happy New Year.
Greetings, I just found your website. I’m a 22 year old newly married to the love of my life. We try to serve the Lord as best we can everyday and only recently introduced the CDD lifestyle into our relationship.
My husband began with spanking over his knee, and then began with corner time. At first I found it really hard, and although he administered my punishments lovingly I couldn’t help but struggle and cry and beg him to stop. Well, now I’m taking my discipline better and thank my partner after each spanking but I find the humiliation aspect of CDD difficult to handle.
It’s not the humiliation itself, I once had my bare bottom propped up by several pillows and spanked while my two children observed. It’s more the age regression. While over his knee I find myself feeling like a little girl, over my father’s knee and begin treating my husband like my father.
I’m not sure if this is how the Lord intended CDD to be practised, as it confuses my feelings toward my husband. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated, as you seem to know a lot more about this than me.
Thanks x
Dear Cathartic Tears,
Firstly I would like to thank you for your comments and your openness and indeed for taking time to write to me.
I want to answer your comment as openly and honestly as I can but it is very important to me that in doing so you understand that I have absolutely no desire to be disrespectful to your Head of House in my response.
In truth my difficulty is that I feel I must be honest and respond with my heartfelt feelings towards what you have written and I cannot do so in all integrity without clearly voicing my personal (and I emphasise that this is my personal) opinion and discomfort concerning one thing that you have written which is that you “once had” your “bare bottom propped up by several pillows and spanked while my two children observed.”
Please let me be very clear about this…
In your comment you introduced yourself as being 22 years of age and have not mentioned the age of your husband. This leaves me at a little disadvantage as it leaves a greater area of uncertainty concerning the age of your children. The relevancy of this is only in respect of how aware and how capable of processing what they witnessed your children are and indeed the emotional, psychological and spiritual impact that this may have had on you. It is my heart felt hope that at 22 your children are still extremely young if you and they were subjected to their witnessing your being spanked. However I am mindful that in this day and age it is possible that your husband is older and indeed that the children in question could be older and from a previous marriage. Equally I am unsure of your children’s gender.
I cannot be clear enough on this point when it comes to my discomfort and indeed my heartfelt sadness that this discipline took place in front of your children no matter what age they were. Please accept my apologies if I appear to be criticizing your husband/Head of House in this regard. It is certainly not my desire nor my hope to do so. But the idea that you were disciplined – especially bare bottomed – in front of your children disturbs me greatly – even more so when we consider the fundamental basis of Christian Domestic Discipline which is after all a combination of two primary beliefs… a) that God has appointed the husband to be the Head of the Household under His (God’s) divine authority and b) that discipline [including physical discipline] can be beneficial when lovingly and safely administered.
And there within lies the root of my discomfort and sadness at this practice of children witnessing their mother’s being disciplined (which sadly I have heard of before in different CDD relationships). The fundamental question has to be this “is this something that you truly and objectively and honestly believe God himself would do or approve of – is it within your understanding of HIS character and will?”
Over the years I have heard of so many weird and distressing different practices undertaken under the “label” and “attempted justification” of it being Christian Domestic Discipline. Sadly your being spanked in front of the children is one of the less weird but still very much “out there” examples.
So let us explore this a little further and in doing so let me also use some of your own comments to expand and emphasise my points…
As I said before, Christian Domestic Discipline is according to my understanding and definition “a combination of two primary beliefs…
a) that God has appointed the husband to be the Head of the Household under His (God’s) divine authority, and
b) that discipline [including physical discipline] can be beneficial when lovingly and safely administered.”
If you subscribe to the belief that it is correct in God then there is a basic and fundamental requirement that what you practice under the banner of CDD remains true to that fundamental belief.
Therefore IF you believe that the husband’s authority is from God and in God then there is a fundamental requirement on the part of the husband that ALL of his practices and the application of that authority be GOD centred, God based and conforms to God’s character and will. So the question in this case becomes this. Does the practice of making a wife and mother bare her bottom and submit to being spanked in front of her children fall within your understanding of something God would intend, want or condone. It is my heartfelt hope that your answer to this and indeed your husband’s answer to this (on reflection) will be a resounding no!
You see there are more than one considerations here. For example…
What emotional, psychological, and spiritual impact and effect is this practice having on you?
What emotional, psychological, and spiritual impact and effect is this practice having on your children?
What emotional, psychological, and spiritual impact and effect is this practice having on your husband?
What impact is it having on God?
I firmly believe that a Head of House is called to be Christ-like and to give a true and edifying representation of God, just as I believe that parents are called to be Christ-like and to give a true and edifying representation of God. God is our loving heavenly Father and His relationship with us is loving and kind and compassionate. ALL of HIS communication with us is love based and love centred because HE is love.
When God disciplines me or corrects me it is ALWAYS loving and kind. Does it sometimes hurt? Yes of course! Does it sometimes cause me initial or even temporary discomfort? Yes of course BUT it always builds and lifts and encourages and is NEVER detrimental to myself or my children or indeed anyone else and their understanding of God.
In your comment you also made the statement, “While over his knee I find myself feeling like a little girl, over my father’s knee” and in truth I have little difficulty with this. The essential focus of true CDD is not whether a wife abides by or lives by or heeds and accepts her husbands authority and will but that she abides by, lives by and heeds God’s will and accepts her husband’s authority in that. The requirement on the husband is therefore that he operates within God’s will and authority. God is our loving heavenly Father and if your husband is disciplining you under God’s authority then he is disciplining you for God, for your loving heavenly Father and so for you to feel like a little girl over her Father’s knee is not a bad thing IF it is your Father’s knee you are feeling and seeing within this.
And there within lies one of the traps, separating the husband from the Father or if you will going from being a wife and a mother to being a daughter.
You are a woman. Precious, valued, worthy, treasured and gifted. You have needs, desires, hopes, ambitions, giftings and responsibilities as a woman.
You are a wife. Precious, valued, worthy, treasured and gifted. You have needs, desires, hopes, ambitions, giftings and responsibilities as a wife.
You are a mother. Precious, valued, worthy, treasured and gifted. You have needs, desires, hopes, ambitions, giftings and responsibilities as a mother.
You are a daughter. Precious, valued, worthy, treasured and gifted. You have needs, desires, hopes, ambitions, giftings and responsibilities as a daughter.
As a woman you are called to honour yourself, others and especially your Heavenly Father.
As a wife you are called to honour yourself, your husband and especially your Heavenly Father and whilst this may require sacrifices of your needs or desires as a woman it should never require detriment to your being a woman.
As a mother you are called to honour yourself, your children and your husband and especially your Heavenly Father and whilst this may require certain sacrifices of your desires and needs as a woman and a wife it should never require detriment to your being a woman or a wife.
As a daughter you are called to honour yourself, others and especially your Heavenly Father and whilst this may require certain sacrifices of your desires and needs as a woman and a wife and indeed a mother it should never require detriment to your being a woman or a wife or indeed a mother.
So I think my best advice to you (and thus to your husband) has to come in three parts…
Firstly and above all else, please pray over this situation and indeed my reply to you. Seek God’s will in all this and especially HIS understanding in all this.
Secondly consider fully and prayerfully consider what messages you are receiving and indeed giving your children through adopting and indeed especially in HOW you and your husband practice this life-style. Ask yourself this question specifically “Should having your bottom bared, going across the knee and being spanked be humbling or humiliating?”
CDD when practiced correctly is NOT an exchange of power or indeed a surrendering of power or control it is in fact (I for one am convinced) a gift of love. A gift of love from the husband to the wife and to our Heavenly Father to take on that leadership role and to do so in a God based, God willed and God natured way. A gift of love from the wife to her husband and to our Heavenly Father to accept the husband’s leadership and God’s will in their union. Submission, even submission to a spanking or to discipline is of course humbling. I am much older than you but still respect the authority and wisdom and correction of my parents in the Lord and I do so in humility BUT not humiliation and they in turn correct me in such a way that I am not humiliated. That is their gift to me and to God our heavenly Father.
Thirdly. consider your roles and needs and God given values and relationships as:
a woman,
a wife,
a mother,
and as a daughter.
Understand and respond to each of them individually and corporately, consider also the needs of others involved here, and ask your Husband and Head of House to do the same. Consider especially your children’s ability to process what it going on.
Cathartic Tears, again please understand that I mean no disrespect to your husband and do not mean to imply in any way that he is a bad man or bad HoH. I seek merely to encourage you and him to look upon this in a different way. I can tell you that I have adult sons and daughters who are in CDD relationship and indeed where their children are fully aware and fully accept that there are consequences to our actions and that Dad sometimes spanks Mum when she makes bad decisions or misbehaves and where they both feel it appropriate. BUT if I ever heard one of my sons had disciplined his wife in front of their children I can assure you that son would be the one on the receiving end of the next discipline to be administered.
I hope this all helps. Sorry for being so long winded but it is something I am passionate about.
Please know I am praying for you and your husband and children,
God bless you.