A common question that arises for wives within CDD relationships or those seeking to incorporate a CDD lifestyle within their relationship is “How do I follow if he won’t lead?”. Actually the truth is that this question is not exclusive to CDD alone.
In fact many wives who would never consider a CDD lifestyle but who are seeking a traditional marriage where the husband is the head of the house face the same question.
Because of this I intend to look at the question from a more universal perspective and not just from the CDD point of view. I do this partly because it is a question that is faced by both those seeking a CDD relationship and those who are purely seeking a biblical marriage and partly because I am of the opinion that in fact the call to have a biblical marriage comes first and foremost whereas the desire to have a CDD relationship is secondary to this and is NOT suitable for everyone.
So what exactly do you do when faced with the question, “How do I follow if he doesn’t lead?”
I think the best way to go forward on this one is to start right back at the very beginning. By doing this we should be able to establish the biblical teachings on this and give ourselves a sure foundation from which to build on.
So what exactly is the biblical teaching?
Let us look at Ephesians 5 verses 22-33 (NIV) to save space you can look this passage up for yourself by clicking on this LINK. How about taking a moment to read it and to pray over it before returning here.
The very first verse in this passage reads “22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.” I want us to re-read those words, “22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord.”
What we have here is a clear and concise statement and instruction. “Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord.”
No where in that instruction can I see the words, “if he does things your way” or “when he does things the way you like them” or indeed “providing he does things your way.” OR for that matter “providing he is a Christian.”
The writer (Paul) does indeed go on to elaborate on (or to explain this instruction), “23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” But nowhere in this elaboration or explanation are we afforded the choice not to submit when it doesn’t suit us or indeed to only submit it does suit us OR in fact when he deliberately or specifically leads.
In fact it is certainly true to say that the instruction for a wife to submit precedes the instruction for the husband to lead. Now don’t get me wrong I am certainly not trying to negate or diminish the husband’s responsibility to lead merely to make the point that at no point in this passage does the wife get given the option to ONLY follow when the husband leads.
Which brings me to my next point. Which is who do we submit to first?
For me the answer is given in verses 23 & 24 “23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now ‘as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Christ’s authority is in God. Yes I fully and freely accept that Christ is God and a part of God but I think we can look at this in terms of the trinity. God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
In Matthew 28:18 we read “18Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.“ The plain truth is that this authority came from God the Father. Christ loves and serves the church because he loves and serves God. Even in Gethsemane, acutely aware of what would become of him Christ prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” Matthew 26:39 NIV.
Christ served and serves God. He serves His Church but it is as a direct result from and directly rooted in and flows out of His serving God. Our call to serve Christ and to submit to His will is directly resultant from the fact that Christ’s authority is IN GOD.
I think there is a very definite lesson for us here and I fully and totally believe that this lesson applies to how we follow leadership be that leadership in churches, families, marriages etc.
I am convinced that our first calling is to love God and that part of that love is to submit to His authority. Part of that submitting to His authority is to submit to those who HE has ordained are in authority. (In fact it goes beyond that but let us just focus on ths for now.)
If our (and thus a wife’s) first calling is to love the Lord our God and as part of that to submit to His will, and if a wife submitting to her husband is part of God’s instructions to us (His will) then her submitting to her husband is directly dependent NOT on the husband’s submitting to God’s will but on the wife submitting to God’s will.
I need to be very clear here. I do NOT believe that the husband has to be a Christian nor indeed that he has to be specifically following God’s will in something in order for the wife to be duty bound to obey or to submit to the husband’s authority or leadership. I just don’t interpret this passage that way.
However, I do fully believe that if the wife is being asked to submit to something that she knows to be outside of or against the will of God then she has NO obligation to submit as her duty to submit to God’s will, in my humble opinion supersedes her duty to submit to her husband’s authority.
That having been clarified, I am fully convinced of the husband’s responsibility to lead and indeed verses 25 -33 clearly show this. Likewise I also understand that if a husband does not lead it makes it very hard for a wife to follow BUT it does NOT make it impossible unless he is leading her to do something way that would place her in a situation where following him would mean she would be knowingly and deliberately disobeying God.
So how and indeed why can a wife follow if her husband doesn’t lead?
I cannot help but think of the words of Genesis 2:18 ” here18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
I am fully and totally convinced that marriage, the “husband and wife” combination, is a perfect and wonderful gift given to us by God and that a husband and wife combination chosen by God are in fact chosen specifically for the way in which they can bless, support and encourage each other.
If indeed as it says in Genesis 2:18 that God has made a helper suitable for man’s needs, then surely the wife has gifts, strengths, insights, abilities and qualities that will specifically benefit the husband.
Therefore if the wife does indeed have gifts, strengths, insights, abilities and qualities that will specifically benefit the husband then surely it is incumbent upon the husband within his leadership role to utilize those gifts, strengths, insights, abilities and qualities for the benefit of their marriage and indeed their family.
Likewise it is also incumbent on the wife to utilize those gifts, strengths, insights, abilities and qualities for the benefit of their marriage and indeed their family.
Whether you are a husband or a wife reading this I ask you to consider this… Is it not possible that one of the very things that has made YOU (the wife) a helper suitable for him (the husband), is that YOU are called to help him learn to be the leader God desires?
This therefore begs the question why aren’t more wife and husbands (HoH’s) doing this within their marriage?
Well I think there are numerous factors that can come into play here.
1. Husband’s may feel that they need to take the initiative all the time.
2. The wife making suggestions could be viewed as her trying to lead.
3. The husband may be insecure in his leadership.
4. The wife may be being unrealistic about her gifts.
5. The husband may still be insecure in his leadership.
6. What the wife is suggesting may be more what she desires than what God wants.
7. The husband may not be as comfortable with CDD or his leadership role as the wife thinks.
8. There is a misunderstanding of leadership roles and of/or a focus on power exchanges.
How do we get it right then? I mean How does a wife follow is the husband won’t lead?
I am very mindful that whilst I have mentioned specific scriptures and addressed some specific issues, I have still been talking (in the main) in general terms. The reason for this is that each of us have our own individual lives and so to address specifics would be impossible.
But let me be as specific or indeed as direct as I can. It is this author’s opinion that…
A) The Husband SHOULD be the head of The house AS God ordained it. (Ephesians 5:23)
B) That means the Husband should commit to leading in accordance with God’s will.
C) The Wife SHOULD submit to the Husband’s leadership AS God ordained it. (Ephesians 5:22)
D) That submission is part of and comes second ONLY to submitting to God’s will.
E) Part of the Wife’s submission to God and indeed also to her husband is to BE A SUITABLE HELPER and thus part of her submission should be to encourage and assist him to be the leader God wants. (Genesis 2:18)
F) Part of the Husband’s submission to God’s will is to accept the gift that God has given him in his wife and all the gifts that God has given her and that makes her A SUITABLE HELPER.
So there you have it.
I hope this helps and blesses you.
I just wanted to write and say thank you. This is something that I have struggled with on and off and your post allowed me to clarify how I have been perpetuating my own struggle.
This may not be easy, but it is good in the eyes of God and therefor worth every second.
Hi Hism,
Many thanks for taking time to comment.
I don’t think you are alone in this is any way shape or form and I think it is a very common problem.
I am just glad I was able to help in some small way.
God bless.